NEW JOKES SANTA AND BANTA

Latest Santa Banta Jokes

Santa: Go and water the plants.
Servant: it's already raining.
Santa: So what? Take an umbrella and go.

  

”Darling” said Santa to his new bride. “Now that we are married ,do you think you can live on my small income?”. “Ofcourse dearest”, she replied. “But what will you live on?”

  

Santa threw his watch off the balcony of his house on the tenth floor. He ran downstairs and still managed to catch it. How did he do that? Because Santa’s watch is always ten minutes slow.

  

Santa checked his girlfriend’s mobile to know under what name she had saved his number. When he dialed his number form her phone, it showed “TIMEPASS NO. 8”

  

Santa is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room doesn’t flush so he runs to the lobby to use the men’s room but none of the stalls are free. He runs back to his room ,uproots a plant and shits in the pot .Then he puts the plant back and leaves. A week later he gets a postcard from the hotel that says” Dear Sir……all is forgiven…..just tell us…….where is it?”

  

Once Santa brought his girlfriend home for dinner. This was her first time meeting the family so she was tremendously nervous. This along with the broccoli she ate gave her a little gas so she let out a small noiseless fart but it turned out to be loud enough for the family to hear. Right then Santa’s father shouted at the dog sitting next to her chair, “Ginger!”. She was relieved. Next time she let out a louder one and again Santa’s father shouted at the dog, “Ginger!” he said. Finally she let a really loud one out that sounded like a train whistle and the father said “Ginger!!!!! Move from there before she shits on you!!!”

  

Santa walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he sips the beer he hears a soothing voice say “nice tie”. He looks around and is baffled to see that there is no one there except him and the bartender at the other end of the room. A few sips later the voice says “beautiful shirt”.Santa panics and calls the bartender over and says “I must be losing my mind, I can hear these voices say nice things but there is no one else except you and me” , the bartender points to the table and says “oh it’s the peanuts , they are complimentary

  

Inappropriate things that Santa tells his kid
-Beta why is a cemetery so popular?
Everyone is DYING to get in.
-Beta do you need a hand with that?
Haan papaji
Santa starts clapping.
-After watching his son slip on the slide, Santa says, “Happy journey Beta!!!!”
-Santa’s son asks for 100 bucks.
Santa says “ 50 bucks? What do you need 20 bucks for?”

  

Santa is the true music lover.
A girl is singing in a bathroom while taking a bath and Santa is near the keyhole listening to her.

  

Santa being romantic to his wife.
“One day God tested me , erased all my memory and asked do you remember anyone now?
I told Him your name and He replied, “I am sorry some viruses cannot be formatted””

  

Santa’s wife hit him on the head with the frying pan.
Santa: What was that for?
Santa’s Wife: I found a paper in your pocket with the same BASANTI on it.
Santa: I bet on a horse last week and BASANTI was the name of my horse.
Santa’s wife: Oho Sorry
Next day she hit him with the frying pan again.
Santa: now what happened?
Santa’s wife: your horse is on the phone.

  

Santa tells his dad, “Pappaji there is this kid in school who calls me gay”
Santa’s Dad:” Oye beta then punch him!!!”
Santa: “ No papa he is sooooooo cute!!!”

  

Do you drink? Girl’s father asked Santa. Santa says “ first tell me whether it’s a question or invitation?”

  

Santa taking grammar lessons
“If more than one mouse is mice then more than one spouse is spice!!!!”

  

Officer Santa: Madam swimming is restricted in this lake.
Lady: why didn’t you tell me when I was removing my clothes?
Officer Santa: That is not restricted.

  

Santa: oye waiter ek mast chai pilao jo pura badan hila de.
Waiter: hamare yahan gaai ka doodh aata hai , Rakhi Sawant ka nahin.

  

Santa’s wife: Oye JI stop looking at other women you are married now.
Santa: Arre you mean if I am on diet I cant look at the menu also?

  

Santa and Banta were looking at an Egyptian Mummy at a museum.
Santa: Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Banta: Yes you are right. See lorry number is also written BC 1760 !!!

  

Teacher: Which animal flies in the air, but gives birth to young ones on land?
Santa (excited for the first time because he knows the answer)
Santa: AIRHOSTESS!!!!

  

Santa: That girl is deaf
Banta: How do you know?
Santa: I said I love her, she said her chapels are new

  

Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?
Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

  

Banta: When I get mad at u, u never fight back. How do u control ur anger?
Preeto: I clean the toilet.
Banta: How does that help?
Preeto: I use ur toothbrush.

  

Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing clothes.
Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.

  

Santa bought a car on loan... He didn't pay the dues, the bank took away his car.
Santa: If I knew this, I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!

  

Titanic was sinking. Santa: How much the earth is far from here?
Banta: 1 kilo meter.
Santa jumped into the sea and asked again: "...In which direction?"
Banta: Downwards! 

  

Santa: I am so miser (kanjoos) that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money.
Bania: That is nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife for honeymoon with a friend.

  

Santa: "When I woke up this morning, I felt like going out and getting a job."
Banta: "Did you?"
Santa: "No. I stayed in bed until the feeling passed."

Banta ek Sadhu se bola: " Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao."
Sadhu: "Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?"

Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes first -
the chicken or the egg?
O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega!

Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.

Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.

What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi

Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.

Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."

Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in m! edical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!

Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

Santa & Banta got tired of mobile & decide 2 use pigeons. 1day a pigeon
reaches Banta without message. Angry Banta calls Santa!
Santa: Oye, this was a missed call

Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: U'll die bcoz haven't u heard train is coming on platform?

Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.

A lady asked Santa: LIPTON di chah hai?
Santa replied: Mainu ta nahi hai ji, tainu hai ta lipat ja...

Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave.

Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.

Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?

Banta ek ! sadhu se bola" Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi
upay batao.
Sadhu: Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?

Preeto: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the.
Banta: Kya bataoon, sub galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost... 1 bottle,
aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

Banta: Marte waqt aadmi ko kya dena chahiye?
Santa: Birla cement.
Banta: Kyun?
Santa: Kyunki is Cement mein jaan hai.

Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
The shopkeep! er asked: Exide laga du?
Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?

Santa went out to buy an Indian flag. The shop owner gave him the flag.
Guess what did he ask next...
Ismein aur colour dikhayiye.

Santa:Q: Why dogs don't marry? BantaA: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."

Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long!

Santa Singh while riding a cycle suddenly hit a girl! 
The girl shouted: Ghanti nahi maar sakta tha!!!
Santa: Poori cycle to maar di ab ghanti alag se maroon??!!!

Santa calls Air India. 'How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?' 
'Just a sec,' says the customer service assistant. 
'Thank you.' says Santa and hangs up.

Santa: "Hi, Main Bol Raha Hoon". 
Banta: "Kamaal Hain, Ithe Vi Main Bol Raha Hoon!" 

Santa: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? 
Biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.

Santa : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When Banta asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!

How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chicks to begin with. 
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chicks because all of the first lot had died. 
Another month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chicks, for the second lot had also died.
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa. 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

Santa to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao.
Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya,
Santa: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.

How did Panditji Kill a Lion?
Panditji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: 
I'll drink poison n let the lion eat me.
Hari Om!

Santa visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. 
Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies. 
Santa goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words. 
It is 'U R STANDNG ON D OXGN TUBE!"

A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.

Santa & his wife buy coffee in a shop. 
Santa says... Drink quickly...... 
Wife asks why... 
Santa says hot coffee Rs.5 and cold coffee Rs.10.

Santa had twins; he named them Tin & Martin. 
Again he had twins & named them Peter & Repeater. 
Again he had twins & named them Max & Climax.
Next time he had twins, disgusted Santa named them TIRED & RETIRED!

Santa: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train. 
Banta: Y? 
Santa: Got upper berth. 
Banta: Y did'nt u try to Xchnge? 
Santa: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower berth..

Santa invested 2 Lakhs in a business and suffered huge Losses.
Do u know what the business was?
He opened a Saloon in Punjab!

Santa tells a girl "Come 2 my house at nite, nobody will b there............. 
Girl goes at night & realy nobody was there

Santa was standing below a tube light with mouth wide open.........WHY? 
Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light".

Sardar and his family went for a party. He introduces himself - 
I'm sardar, she sardarnee, the boy my kid & the girl my kidney....

Professor Banta asked a plumber to come to his college. 
U know why? 
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

On a romantic date Santa's girl friend asks him "Darling on our engagement, will you give me a ring? 
He said "Ya, sure what's your phone number?

A street dog was chasing Santa and he was laughing. 
A bystander: why are u laughing? Santa: I have an Airtel phone, but still Hutch network is following me.

The Teacher asked all the students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. 
All were busy writing except Banta. 
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet. 
Santa: Why did u come so far? Instead u could have posted it....

What does Santa do after taking a xerox? 
He compares it with the original for any spelling mistakes.

Santa proposed to a girl......
Girl said: 'I'm 1 yr elder to you'. 
Santa said: 'Oye, no problem Soniye, I'll marry you next year.

A Sardar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C. After Seeing he went to Delhi. Guess why?
The FORM said "FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

A Teacher was lecturing on Population Explosion - "In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid."
Santa stood up and said - "we must find & stop her!".

Santa - "why are all these people running?" Banta - "This is a race, the winner will get the cup." Santa - "If only the winner will get the cup, why are the others running?"

19 Sardars went to watch a film. 
On being questioned about the big group, they replied that the film was only for above 18...

Photographer Santa was focusing on the dead body's face in a funeral function.
Suddenly all the relatives started beating him - why? 
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

Santa recently found the answer to the most difficult question ever.
What came first, the Chicken or the Egg? 
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense. 
Santa: The future tense is "You will go to jail".

Santa gets ready, wears his tie and coat; goes out, climbs a tree and sits on the branch regularly. 
Banta asks why he does this. 
Santa: "I've been promoted as branch manager."

Santa was filling up an application form for a job. He was not sure as to what was to be filled in the column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!

Santa! Your daughter has died! Depressed, he jumps from the 100th floor
At the 50th floor, he remembers he doesn't have a daughter!
At the 25th flr: He's unmarried!
At the 10th: He's Banta not Santa.

Santa wins 20 cr from a Rs. 20 lottery ticket. The Dealer gives him 11 cr after deducting taxes. 
Angry Santa: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.!"

When Santa & his wife filed an application for divorce, the Judge asked: "How will you divide, you have 3 children?" 
Pat came Santa's reply: "Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR."

Santa's wish: When I die, I wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep? 
Not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

Santa at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call Modern art? 
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!

Santa was writing something very slowly. 
Banta asked: "Why are you writing so slowly?"
Santa: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast."

Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab. 
Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..